And away I go! I will get off here, thanks.

If you have been keeping up with me, then you know that I have had to deal with unlikeable circumstances in my relationship beginning after the fostering and adoption of my dog, Charles. It started when my boyfriends mother overstepped and became involved after hearing a tiny grain of information and making it a bigger issue than it was.

Hey girl, hey! My silly boy ❤️

Related posts:  Oh no, she did not and OhYes. Yes, she did . . .

 

After over a year of dealing with disrespectful behavior, my boyfriend and I have decided that it is time to move forward. In March, my boyfriend attempted to discuss boundaries with his mother that we are firmly putting in place to prevent further damage and preserve his relationship with his mother, but unfortunately his words were ignored. Instead of it being a discussion, it turned into a one-sided conversation where the blame was placed entirely on us (me), and she proceeded to talk shit about me to him for hours. She ignored his feelings and made it all about her needs, wants, and feelings of abandonment.

 

My boyfriend walked away feeling crushed and unheard. It is difficult to believe that a person can be so blinded by their need for control and belief that their feelings supersede everyone else’s, especially when that person is a parent. After further discussions and talking the subject to death, we have decided to continue to limit our interaction with her and the information we share.

 

The sad truth is that the incident revolving Charles is an example of a series of situations where she has overstepped and not taken accountability. It is the demeaning comments, the selfishness, the gossiping of others – sharing people’s most intimate details that have been shared with her in confidence – being repeated to others to seemingly fulfill her need to feel important. There is a well-known quote that comes to mind when I hear her talking about people behind their backs:

 

The gossip makes me uncomfortable, and my lack of acknowledging it makes her angry. She has gone as far as attempting to exclude me from get togethers because she sees me as a problem. She “wants to talk about what she wants to talk about” and it is easier when I am not there. My lack of interest in her gossip makes her aware that what she is doing is wrong. My tight lips and choice for privacy translates to me not liking her, when I know that she will run off and speak about me the way she is speaking about others to me. I know nothing I share is sacred, she proved that to me when she made a joke about my therapy in front of other people.

It is through her actions, denial, and attempt to shift blame on us (me) that I have concluded that the issue surrounding Charles will remain an open wound. This type of betrayal cannot be healed with a band aid or by sweeping it under the rug. This is the kind of wound that will only get bigger as time passes if I continue to ride this rollercoaster. Her actions cannot be erased and will forever remain imprinted in our history, however, for the sake of my relationship, I (we) must let it go.

I am not waving a white flag and surrendering to the bully. Accountability will not be shifted and placed on my lap for me to clean up a mess that I did not create. No, I have been surrounded by gaslighters and manipulators my entire life. My voice will not be silenced or ignored, rather, I am choosing peace and tranquility over bitterness. I am choosing happiness and choosing to enjoy my beautiful family.

 

The act of letting go is not forgetting the hurt people have caused. Rather, the act of letting go is releasing yourself from the anger that lingers long after the dust settles. Letting go is redefining your relationships and learning to interact with people who you cannot write off and leave behind. It is learning to shed the dead weight of a person who is comfortable in their own brokenness and learning not to get caught in the crossfire. The act of letting go is forgiveness.

 

I do not forgive to absolve her of her actions. She will forever have to live with being the person she is, and whether she feels bad for causing hurt to others is none of my business. I forgive for my internal peace. I am letting go of her toxicity to save myself and prevent my soul from becoming bitter. It is evident to me that she lacks self-awareness and empathy.

 

Moving forward, my boyfriend and I will remain vigilant in protecting the sanctity of our relationship and not allowing outside sources to interfere with our happiness. We have spent too many months (years) allowing another’s bitterness to spoil our happiness. As we move forward, cautiously, we will implement healthier practices when engaging with his mother. Those practices may look like the following:

 

1)      Disengaging when she starts repeating other people’s business (gossiping): (1) We can redirect the conversation; or (2) End our visit/get together by telling her that we do not want to engage in speaking about other people’s business.

 

2)     Limiting what we share: As I mentioned above, we need to be selective with what we share about our lives. We know that she will run through the hills repeating our business to anyone that will listen.

 

3)     Stop enabling: Be firm with our boundaries and where our relationship stands. Boundaries can be used as a tool to end your part in enabling unruly behavior. It is the act of disengaging when a person exhibits a behavior that can be harmful that you no longer support or want to ignore. 

As we transition into the next phase of our relationship, we both remain hopeful that we can put the drama and the trauma behind us and find a space where we can both feel safe and work on our relationship. As we all know, relationships are complex and messy at times. It is the action of working through the messy times that can either strengthen or weakening your relationship. Stay positive, stay vigilant, and find your happiness.

 

Photo Credit: Mari Rey Original